Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I WISH I HUGGED HIM - Remembering Dad

- [My father died in an accident last year. I could not do anything for him, so the least I can do is dedicate my sites to him. Click here to know who took this photo and How he died.]
-- An ode to a Father

He laid on his back with his eyes closed, eyelids swollen and stuck with dried tears shining within. His face looked so peaceful and yet so sad, as if he was thinking of his loved ones whom he loved so much. His head looked normal but for the slight swelling on one side with some signs of red …… and God knows what within. Tubes came out of his wrists on the right, tubes came out of the left; tubes came out of his nostrils to feed him and out of his stomach to drain him. But for the tiny wavy blips on the solemn screens of the gadgets above him and the rise and fall of his chest, old with age, there was nothing to tell me if he was sleeping or…..

The bright plastic tube inside his mouth jostled side by side with another, the oxygen pouring in & out to make him breathe -- that horrible thing which we know as the ventrilator was some good scientist’s gift to people who had stopped breathing, his gift to his near ones who could just wait and hope, hope that the eyes would open, for without it the lung could not breathe for the man had stopped breathing long ago & his heart was beating but barely so.

The sanitised surroundings camouflaged the pain and one would feel here was my father resting away from the heat and dust, here was my father at last getting what he deserved -- Rest from his worries about his loved ones, about his son, about his granddaughter, about his daughter-in-law. The air-conditioned coolness lent a false sense of lull in the mind, it made one feel that here was he resting and will wake up healthy again. His face and arms looked so fair, was it his fairness or was it that the blood had receded from his veins? Science would say the latter because he was not so fair.

The tears had dried… did they come when he saw in a flash that death was near, out of sadness that he would not be there to see his granddaughter graduate, to bring the groom home, to play with the tiny guest who would one day adorn the house and keep his name?

I touched his forehead, I touched his arms and I brushed his hair apart. I talked to him and said “Don’t worry everything would be fine” but knew I was lying. I looked at his swelling on the head, remembering the CT-Scan that the doctor had shown me just a while ago, the blood was all over. So much blood? Where was it so long when he was well and living? Barely 10% chance they said to me, I knew they were lying too- the ventrilator told me so. The brain that was so active was no more. Only the heart beat on relentlessly, much filled with love it was so, just as a father knows how to love, with his heart full of a lovely glow.

I wished to wipe his tears from between his closed eyes; I wished to tell him I have changed to what he had always wanted. I wished to hug him tight. I wished I had hugged him long ago.

I wished to do so many things for him, to tell so many things to him, to do so many things for him that I never did and now it was too late for him and me. I wish I had not fought with him on so many issues, Inside my heart I knew he always loved me and cared for me and took care of me when I was small, when I could not walk, when I could only wet the bed. He guided me when I did not know how to tackle the world. He held my hand when I felt nervous. He was the first one to feel glad when I passed school, when I graduated, when I got my first job. I never understood his joy till I became a father myself. Inside my heart I knew he was & would be always there when I needed him, silently toiling hard to make my life better so that I too could become a father one day. He never demanded love from me, never demanded care. Fathers never do, for they do their bits out of love and love is always one way -- descending. I loved him too. But never did I find time to tell him so, never did I hug him tight, always keeping it till later.

Who would have known that one day so suddenly a freak happening would take away my support and I would never be able to ask him for advice and mental guidance? Who knew that God would never give me the chance to hug him? I wish I had hugged him and told him “I love you”. All I could do is wipe his forehead but he did not know, his eyes tightly close so, and all I could do is to touch his feet to say Goodbye —and ask him to forgive me; Forgive me DAD for not hugging you earlier and telling you I love you, when it mattered and now it did not anymore.

Dust-to-Dust – that is the story of man. He comes to this world crying and the rest laughing and he goes making others cry. Dust to Dust- into the raging FIRE, into which with these hands of mine I pushed him away forever from myself, wishing I had hugged him when I still had the time- but time is what we never have.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Something on Women Colleagues

I feel silly at replying to my own mail just after posting it. But then I thought I should tell you why I voted for women on the intranet voting page of ours!!

I voted for women as I want to work under a woman boss..!! Maybe they would be more understanding.. maybe they would be more patient.. maybe they will care if I want leave..or will understand if I am not able to do my job.. or will not shout at me.... or will talk softly... or will smile at me..instead of frowning...or ask me abouy my family and wife.. and send home sweets for my kids... Ohh I dont know.. but I have had enough of male bosses above me for so long..Give me a woman boss now!! !!

Enough of men who have bloated egos.. at least with women..bosses it is I who will have to eat my ego as a man has to if he has to work under a woman.. and so since the woman will know that she will at least not show her ego to me.. I think so..

I have had enough of men bosses who dont speak out and yet want me to understand what he wants..Women will not do that !! I hope so.. since they talk more..they will take pains to explain what she wants.. and I will understand..poor foolish me -me who have suffered at the hands of male bosses for so long..

I have had enough of male bosses who are dumb.. women are not.. they have a lot of common sense.. to understand a man and use him to her advantage.. and that is what a boss needs to do..use the subordinate to his or her advantage.. so both are happy..

And dont think I am joking.. ask one woman colleague who knows me.. I keep telling her the same thing.. and I keep praying that she will be my boss one day.. maybe then she will have pity on me and promote me? Sighh... males dont have any pity at all!!!

Friendship Among Colleagues

Honestly, I have started feeling now that I am a useless guy and have no work at all. Or else how can I explain my being here online all the time?

So today I thought of posting about different type of people in an office.. we see them all around us.. we are also one of others see us too.. I thought of telling about the LBDNs.. and PgUpPg DNs... ahh..yes.. These are names coined not by me but my colleagues themselves.. and then I thought..I shouldnt after all who am I to talk about such people? I am no saint either!! But then maybe for fun I should say something .. Well.. LBDN.. you see them around you.. they are the Look Busy Do Nothing people.. those who do nothing at all the whole day.. and yet they look ohh so very busy all the time!!.. Do you know any personally? Hmm..

So what are PgUPPgDNs?? they are doing more than the LBDNs.. they have work to do.. they do that work.. but again the impression they throw around is that they do very important work.. and will not teach you what they know.. they will tap the keyboard.. that you dont catch what they are doing.. and all they do are Page Up and Page down on the excel sheet.. and ohh how they do it!! You will think they are the best in the world.. and they know so mucchhh!!.. Sigh.. No.. I think I will not talk about them today..

Then I thought I will post a topic on Communication and how it should be effected.. well.. will that be too heavy? i wondered.. and left it out.. after all with better people than me and experts at Management who am I to talk about communication to a silent audience.. who come here everyday and yet dont like to talk?

Then I though why not pick up the current topic from the poll at our intranet site? Do women managers make better managers? Hmm I thought no.. later maybe.. .. so it means that some men too think women can be better managers.. well i am among them of them.. but I dont agree to all women being better managers..just like all men cannot be better managers.. .Well another day perhaps..on this.. let someone else pick up this topic and start a discussion.. and maybe we can even discuss how to make better managers out of people here?
So let me talk on something else today..

Friendship among colleagues..

Do you think colleagues can be friends? How long can they remain friends? Does competition erase friendship among peers? So may questions.. that arise..

When we join,,and undergo training together.. perhaps that goes into making friends among peers and this is perhaps the first and strongest friendships that colleagues can have.. because that form when we are still fresh from college and competition has not yet dirtied our minds.. and most of the friendships last.. but not all as slowly the rat race catches up.. so after this opportunity perhaps very few colleagues ever become good friends.. do they? What do you say?

Then some friendship forms as you go along your life.. you meet people as you go places..and sometimes there stands a chance that you form friends.. but I have seen one thing in my life. here in my organisation.. the greatest friendships or care and bond exists among our non-officer fraternity.. the way they help their times of peril and disaster.. very few officers do that for their fraternmity.. i know this will raise self righteousness among some of you and you will shout at me..but it is true.. when a non officer needs help or his family needs help..their colleagues rise to the occasion but for officers ..only those who expect returns.. or need to please..or from the same group only will come to help.. correct me if I am wrong.. there is more friendship among our non-office colleagues than among colleagues.....and why is it so? I think it is because of competion, and resultant jealousy ..Colleagues simply cannot be good friends..can they? What do you think?

Ohh I have friends too but this is still what I feel. Let us introspect.