Friday, January 20, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
What is Happiness? [Imaginary Letter to Friend-X]
Dear X,
Enough of light talk and joking as friends. Some serious talk today?
Ahhh.. now I can see you flushing… angry… red… No No.. I am not going to say anything that will make you uneasy dear friend.
I know you now. That is why I do not even address you as ‘Dearest friend” See? Have I? I mean I could have as you are my only friend around – believe it or not- as I feel one-way. Right? Ok then. So just forget this topic and see what I want to say.
After a loooooooo----ooooooong time I have a lot to say suddenly.
Not particularly to YOU. So do not worry. Today I shall talk on happiness. It has nothing to do with you at all. But what I think happiness is. Hey you close my mail now and go back to work. Because this is going to be a long mail. If you really want to read, read it later… when ? I do not know.. maybe never? Hmmmm… I am serious.. maybe never would be fine with me as long as I do not know !! But if you read then promise to read slowly, my Dear X. That is how I would like you to read all my mails. I am being honest. I do not want you to read my mails in a hurry and I really mean that if you do not read I will not mind as I wont know. But if you read I would like you to keep my trust and read slowly. Why slowly? Because that would show some respect to me LOL !! I took so much pain to reproduce this on paper (from the depths of my hyperactive mind) that you should also take same time to read. No I am not telling you the truth here. I want you to read slowly so that you understand what I mean and so that my writing makes you think and makes you come out with your thoughts. So far you have not done this. Probably because some wrong idea ingrained in your womanish head makes you feel that sharing thoughts with a man in writing makes you vulnerable to …. Well all sorts of attacks from the male brigade!! What??
You should have understood by now that my mails should not make you uncomfortable, as they are not meant to be so. I do not write to you because I want to have some relationship with you, I write to you because I need to talk and since I need to talk I cannot talk to the wall. I have to talk to someone. And in you I seem to find that someone, that is all. I do not want you to fall in love with me or I want to fall in love with you or anyone for that matter. You are very intelligent and so should have understood by now. Of course you may tell me you do not need to understand me. Right. You can also ask me ‘Why me?” Right again.
Why you? Because I feel you will listen. I feel you will read. Even if you do not reply. Don’t have to. I may be wrong. I may be totally a wrong impression about you. YOU MAY BE A VERRRRY SELFISH LADY IN THE WORLD ONLY WORRIED about yourself and your family and your shares and your job/ career, and whatever you love in life!! It is highly probable. And moreover why should I even think you are selfish? It is QUITE NATURAL TO BE LIKE THAT. Everybody is like that!! Eeverybody is bothered about themselves only. I am like that too!! Am I not? Here I am writing to you to feel light. I am not bothering myself to know whether you want my mail or not! So, X, I do know this all…… I am selfish too.
Then why am I writing to you if I know all this? Simple. I really do not know. Does this frighten you? Hope not!!! Not knowing something is not frightening. Not knowing how to handle the answers is frightening. So the day when I know the why I should also know how to handle the answer. That is all and I shall cross the bridge when I need to.
Today I have come here to talk of an abstract subject & nothing about you at all so am sure you will not feel uncomfortable. All this is just an introduction—warming up and clearing your doubts lest you ask me why the heck am I mailing you again!!!???. Anyway let me continue now….
So as you ask. It is fine that you, shantanu, feel you have to speak to someone.. you go crazy if you are not able to do that.. . and it is quite obvious that you are not able to talk to your bloody wife!! What the hell.. you are a man and married so why the heck you keep bothering me with your bloody thoughts.why don’t you tell all these to your wife?…. and here you have to disturb my eyes making me read these long mails from a blubbering male who seems to be mad? I must clear this up. I do feel guilty. I do love my wife a lot. Everybody has her good points and bad. I do too. It is not about her at all. She is a good wife, she is a good mother. She quarrels with me like all wives do. I quarrel with her like all husbands do. But then we make up like all couples do. One day one of us will be gone and the other will follow soon.
But all said and done, X, do not you think that in life there are times when you want to talk to someone who seems to be like you? Who seems to have the capacity to understand what you mean or what you say or more importantly who seems to be deep hearted enough to be able to listen and empathise? You seem to be like that. Inside my heart I know that you are probably least serious about what I write and you read them out of curiosity only because you like reading books and so these seem to be a book to you..like an autobiography of a mad man..or a confused man or hmmm.. maybe ‘an autobiography of a man who lost his way around the world.” So you read. But that is the point. I feel you are reading. And that is all that it takes me to pour my deepest thoughts on you. Nothing more nothing less. I never EXPECT YOU TO PITY ME, FALL IN LOVE WITH ME, COMFORT ME, CARE FOR ME, NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have to have someone to talk to. The day YOU will put a stop to this WITH A BULLET.. I WILL JUST STOP. And Find someone else (if I am lucky… ) or just fade away.. or who knows?? I may start writing books and sell them to the world.
But I have to survive and so I write. Even if you are not reading this mail, I will still feel ahhhh I have written and somebody has heard.
It is a very peculiar problem in me X. I need some psychiatric treatment probably. So I keep introspecting a lot. And so I do know that something is seriously wrong with me. That I need to share thoughts like this!! I need to talk like this!! Sometimes I feel I am not man enough!!. Really X. This is like something I am trying to cure myself of. Writing to you or anyone who seems to read, probably will make me cure myself of this disease. And I write best to anyone with whom I feel is empathetic and with whom I seem to feel so too, a bonding of minds. Does that scare you??? Should not!!!!
This deep desire to wrench my mind out and turn it inside out to someone is a disease.
Yes this is a disease, because it is making me weak, making me feeble, making me unable lead normal lives at these times when this strikes! Like disease this too needs a cure. And I feel the cure is indulging in the very passion that drives me, I feel my mind bursting so I let it burst and so I write.
Writing to someone. Of course if you had replied, it would have been wonderful. But not for the sake of consoling me, but to share your views on whatever I say or said, so that I too can see what others think of the subject I talk on. Helps a lot, seeing the other people’s view and helps me in curing faster.
Today I want to talk on happiness.
Have you ever felt that despite having everything something is missing?
Have you ever felt when you had everything around you and yet something was missing?
Think back to your days when you were walking down the road in distant California and enjoying the world pass by you slowly, the people slowly moving past you busy in their thoughts and themselves. Think back to some other times when you are supposed to feel happy. Did you feel happy?
You most probably did. Then comes the question.
If I am happy, because I am able to walk down the road, or drive my car, or get my salary, or have my son admitted into college or get a gift or give a gift or go out with lunch with my best friend (oops!!), or have two bags of sweets and so on; if I am happy because of so many innumerable things that God has given me or showers me with,
THEN,
Why the heck do I feel something is missing?
What is it?
Why is it that I feel empty inside some days?
What gives person happiness?
Do not tell me it is GOD!!
Tell me if it is God then where is God?
I mean, if you plan to tell me that.
Otherwise if we contain ourselves to the non-spiritual then let me continue.
Is happiness something that comes from inside? Yes? How?
I wish I knew.
Why is it that I feel happy (now this is just for the sake of an example you may understand..) when I talk to you? Is it because we are happy when we get some things that are not ours? I mean your time is not mine. Right? So when I disturb you by talking to you I am using your times. So I am happy. Is that so? I mean you are not mine. Yet I am able to talk to you and that makes me happy. Is that so?
Is it why we are unable to find happiness? Because we continuously try to seek some thing which is not within our reach, does not belong to us, will never belong to us PROBABLY?
Is it that we will find happiness if we look at things that we have?
But then if that is so, then what do we have really?
Think deeply
You for eg. Have parents, family.
I for eg have parent, family too. I have something more, I have a wife and a kid.
But does that make me happier than you?
Do you think so?
If yes then why? Then are you unhappy? Why? Or Why not?
If no then why? Am I then unhappy? Why? Or Why not?
Is it really possible to be happy till we die and meet God?
What the hell am I DOING talking here about happiness if I KNEW all the answers? I seem to be giving all the answers. But then why am I here?
I think the emptiness inside is all the cause of the trouble in people’s lives. And I think those who have this like me are all stupid people thinking too much about everything.
Do'nt you too think too much of things? I think you do! You have never told me about anything else than mundane matters. But I too think that you think a lot of things that matter to you in personal life. Otherwise you simply cannot come to office in the morning looking unfresh. Yess. X. I think you do.
And yet I also think you have found peace of mind ..somehow at this too young an age (for being spiritual)
So probably you are the best person to tell me what is happiness about and why we feel something is missing inside.. deep inside… in spite of having everything (nearly).
DO TELL ME WHY??
You read the bible every night. So you may be able to tell me something from there
Somebody else reads the Koran and somebody else the Bhagvad Gita. Theymay be able to tell me something from there.
But if do I need those answers? Or do I need some other answers?
If I need those answers from those books, then the question still remains, why the hell am I asking these questions? Why am I NOT going to those books? Because I am not ready?
Enough of light talk and joking as friends. Some serious talk today?
Ahhh.. now I can see you flushing… angry… red… No No.. I am not going to say anything that will make you uneasy dear friend.
I know you now. That is why I do not even address you as ‘Dearest friend” See? Have I? I mean I could have as you are my only friend around – believe it or not- as I feel one-way. Right? Ok then. So just forget this topic and see what I want to say.
After a loooooooo----ooooooong time I have a lot to say suddenly.
Not particularly to YOU. So do not worry. Today I shall talk on happiness. It has nothing to do with you at all. But what I think happiness is. Hey you close my mail now and go back to work. Because this is going to be a long mail. If you really want to read, read it later… when ? I do not know.. maybe never? Hmmmm… I am serious.. maybe never would be fine with me as long as I do not know !! But if you read then promise to read slowly, my Dear X. That is how I would like you to read all my mails. I am being honest. I do not want you to read my mails in a hurry and I really mean that if you do not read I will not mind as I wont know. But if you read I would like you to keep my trust and read slowly. Why slowly? Because that would show some respect to me LOL !! I took so much pain to reproduce this on paper (from the depths of my hyperactive mind) that you should also take same time to read. No I am not telling you the truth here. I want you to read slowly so that you understand what I mean and so that my writing makes you think and makes you come out with your thoughts. So far you have not done this. Probably because some wrong idea ingrained in your womanish head makes you feel that sharing thoughts with a man in writing makes you vulnerable to …. Well all sorts of attacks from the male brigade!! What??
You should have understood by now that my mails should not make you uncomfortable, as they are not meant to be so. I do not write to you because I want to have some relationship with you, I write to you because I need to talk and since I need to talk I cannot talk to the wall. I have to talk to someone. And in you I seem to find that someone, that is all. I do not want you to fall in love with me or I want to fall in love with you or anyone for that matter. You are very intelligent and so should have understood by now. Of course you may tell me you do not need to understand me. Right. You can also ask me ‘Why me?” Right again.
Why you? Because I feel you will listen. I feel you will read. Even if you do not reply. Don’t have to. I may be wrong. I may be totally a wrong impression about you. YOU MAY BE A VERRRRY SELFISH LADY IN THE WORLD ONLY WORRIED about yourself and your family and your shares and your job/ career, and whatever you love in life!! It is highly probable. And moreover why should I even think you are selfish? It is QUITE NATURAL TO BE LIKE THAT. Everybody is like that!! Eeverybody is bothered about themselves only. I am like that too!! Am I not? Here I am writing to you to feel light. I am not bothering myself to know whether you want my mail or not! So, X, I do know this all…… I am selfish too.
Then why am I writing to you if I know all this? Simple. I really do not know. Does this frighten you? Hope not!!! Not knowing something is not frightening. Not knowing how to handle the answers is frightening. So the day when I know the why I should also know how to handle the answer. That is all and I shall cross the bridge when I need to.
Today I have come here to talk of an abstract subject & nothing about you at all so am sure you will not feel uncomfortable. All this is just an introduction—warming up and clearing your doubts lest you ask me why the heck am I mailing you again!!!???. Anyway let me continue now….
So as you ask. It is fine that you, shantanu, feel you have to speak to someone.. you go crazy if you are not able to do that.. . and it is quite obvious that you are not able to talk to your bloody wife!! What the hell.. you are a man and married so why the heck you keep bothering me with your bloody thoughts.why don’t you tell all these to your wife?…. and here you have to disturb my eyes making me read these long mails from a blubbering male who seems to be mad? I must clear this up. I do feel guilty. I do love my wife a lot. Everybody has her good points and bad. I do too. It is not about her at all. She is a good wife, she is a good mother. She quarrels with me like all wives do. I quarrel with her like all husbands do. But then we make up like all couples do. One day one of us will be gone and the other will follow soon.
But all said and done, X, do not you think that in life there are times when you want to talk to someone who seems to be like you? Who seems to have the capacity to understand what you mean or what you say or more importantly who seems to be deep hearted enough to be able to listen and empathise? You seem to be like that. Inside my heart I know that you are probably least serious about what I write and you read them out of curiosity only because you like reading books and so these seem to be a book to you..like an autobiography of a mad man..or a confused man or hmmm.. maybe ‘an autobiography of a man who lost his way around the world.” So you read. But that is the point. I feel you are reading. And that is all that it takes me to pour my deepest thoughts on you. Nothing more nothing less. I never EXPECT YOU TO PITY ME, FALL IN LOVE WITH ME, COMFORT ME, CARE FOR ME, NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have to have someone to talk to. The day YOU will put a stop to this WITH A BULLET.. I WILL JUST STOP. And Find someone else (if I am lucky… ) or just fade away.. or who knows?? I may start writing books and sell them to the world.
But I have to survive and so I write. Even if you are not reading this mail, I will still feel ahhhh I have written and somebody has heard.
It is a very peculiar problem in me X. I need some psychiatric treatment probably. So I keep introspecting a lot. And so I do know that something is seriously wrong with me. That I need to share thoughts like this!! I need to talk like this!! Sometimes I feel I am not man enough!!. Really X. This is like something I am trying to cure myself of. Writing to you or anyone who seems to read, probably will make me cure myself of this disease. And I write best to anyone with whom I feel is empathetic and with whom I seem to feel so too, a bonding of minds. Does that scare you??? Should not!!!!
This deep desire to wrench my mind out and turn it inside out to someone is a disease.
Yes this is a disease, because it is making me weak, making me feeble, making me unable lead normal lives at these times when this strikes! Like disease this too needs a cure. And I feel the cure is indulging in the very passion that drives me, I feel my mind bursting so I let it burst and so I write.
Writing to someone. Of course if you had replied, it would have been wonderful. But not for the sake of consoling me, but to share your views on whatever I say or said, so that I too can see what others think of the subject I talk on. Helps a lot, seeing the other people’s view and helps me in curing faster.
Today I want to talk on happiness.
Have you ever felt that despite having everything something is missing?
Have you ever felt when you had everything around you and yet something was missing?
Think back to your days when you were walking down the road in distant California and enjoying the world pass by you slowly, the people slowly moving past you busy in their thoughts and themselves. Think back to some other times when you are supposed to feel happy. Did you feel happy?
You most probably did. Then comes the question.
If I am happy, because I am able to walk down the road, or drive my car, or get my salary, or have my son admitted into college or get a gift or give a gift or go out with lunch with my best friend (oops!!), or have two bags of sweets and so on; if I am happy because of so many innumerable things that God has given me or showers me with,
THEN,
Why the heck do I feel something is missing?
What is it?
Why is it that I feel empty inside some days?
What gives person happiness?
Do not tell me it is GOD!!
Tell me if it is God then where is God?
I mean, if you plan to tell me that.
Otherwise if we contain ourselves to the non-spiritual then let me continue.
Is happiness something that comes from inside? Yes? How?
I wish I knew.
Why is it that I feel happy (now this is just for the sake of an example you may understand..) when I talk to you? Is it because we are happy when we get some things that are not ours? I mean your time is not mine. Right? So when I disturb you by talking to you I am using your times. So I am happy. Is that so? I mean you are not mine. Yet I am able to talk to you and that makes me happy. Is that so?
Is it why we are unable to find happiness? Because we continuously try to seek some thing which is not within our reach, does not belong to us, will never belong to us PROBABLY?
Is it that we will find happiness if we look at things that we have?
But then if that is so, then what do we have really?
Think deeply
You for eg. Have parents, family.
I for eg have parent, family too. I have something more, I have a wife and a kid.
But does that make me happier than you?
Do you think so?
If yes then why? Then are you unhappy? Why? Or Why not?
If no then why? Am I then unhappy? Why? Or Why not?
Is it really possible to be happy till we die and meet God?
What the hell am I DOING talking here about happiness if I KNEW all the answers? I seem to be giving all the answers. But then why am I here?
I think the emptiness inside is all the cause of the trouble in people’s lives. And I think those who have this like me are all stupid people thinking too much about everything.
Do'nt you too think too much of things? I think you do! You have never told me about anything else than mundane matters. But I too think that you think a lot of things that matter to you in personal life. Otherwise you simply cannot come to office in the morning looking unfresh. Yess. X. I think you do.
And yet I also think you have found peace of mind ..somehow at this too young an age (for being spiritual)
So probably you are the best person to tell me what is happiness about and why we feel something is missing inside.. deep inside… in spite of having everything (nearly).
DO TELL ME WHY??
You read the bible every night. So you may be able to tell me something from there
Somebody else reads the Koran and somebody else the Bhagvad Gita. Theymay be able to tell me something from there.
But if do I need those answers? Or do I need some other answers?
If I need those answers from those books, then the question still remains, why the hell am I asking these questions? Why am I NOT going to those books? Because I am not ready?
How to Build a Friendship. -Another Imaginary Letter to an Imaginary Woman Friend
Hii X,
… what’s new at your end? Same as usual? Good Morning once again.
So here I am enjoying my moment writing to you and enjoying in the thought of what you will think when you read this stupid mail from me. I know you will never reply back in reciprocal length and depth but still it is fun to try to understand what may go on in your mind when you read all this, which of course is not in fun but I really mean every word of it. Most probably you read my mails every day and get more and more and convinced that I am an idiot, but harmless nevertheless. Maybe you are good to me because you are too kind to make me sad by rejecting me. Some people are too kind and don’t feel like turning down other people for the simple fact that they just don’t have the heart to do so. I know you have a kind heart too, so I say this. After all it is not so easy to know a person fully. Isn’t it so?
In fact you have read that hen laying golden eggs story? The man killed the hen in the hope he will get MANY golden eggs !! My case with you also is somewhat similar. You are replying to my mails from time to time and are also talking to me everyday when I meet you. So whatever little bit I am getting from you as friendship I should be happy ..like that man that got ONE golden egg everyday.. but NO!! I want to get all the golden eggs and here I am egging you with my same old plea be my friend be my friend ..-- be my friend.. Shit!! What a mad chap I am !! We are already friends! What is the doubt about that!! What more do I want from you!! I am sure you are crying now out of desperation..… thinking what have you done to deserve all these people around you who seem bent upon making you lose your sanity..!! Hmmm let me see if I can explain what mad thoughts go on inside my mind…sighhhh…I have read somewhere that the conversartion among people at office who are colleagues 99% of the time or maybe 100% time revolves around office gossip and office politics. Therefore concluded in that essay that this is the reason why friendships don’t flourish so much among office colleagues. After all to become good friends you have to share more than mere office gossip, like we do too most of the times. But the silver lining is that we do discuss some 5% of other things too, I know that.
I am enjoying this DESOLATE PLACE in my own way. I always enjoy wherever I am. Because for me -- enjoyment is a state of the mind… I look at life as a moment in eternity… when I am at home I have my family…THAT is a moment in eternity… when I am at office I have my colleagues , now THAT also is another moment in eternity ….the moments are all distinct, .here for now, and gone tomorrow, and a new moment will come… when I am at office the same happens….. when I am alone.. the same happens..
So what is common??………….. Me!! Silly!!! Since I am the SCF ("Same Common Factor"- Something like a HCF in Maths ) in every situation it is me who has to adjust isn’t it so. And I only have to adjust my reactions to the different signals that come in to me from different persons. Like when I am with you I always get good signals which make me feel comfortable and peaceful near you. That is why we need not even talk and you can very well go on working on your pc and I can sit for hours in front of you thinking of other things in my mind and yet not feel uneasy or make you feel uneasy. That is the positive nature of signals that flow from you to me. And who is responsible? You. Because you are a good person through and through. It is always the other person who is responsible for making one comfortable around him or her.
When I am with you too… it is me who has to adjust (like I have to check myself to see that I do what you like and avoid doing what you don’t like……....That is how I see any situation.. and since I believe Life is too short.. I believe in soaking in every moment of my life… whether it is at home or with you or here at this MOST DESOLATE PLACE! .. What about you? Would you like to tell me about yourself? What do you feel about such things? What do you think of life? Tell me if you are feel free enough with me today.
Don’t worry if you are not ready.. It takes time to believe, time to believe the other person and his intentions. But you do share a lot of your outer thoughts and personal problems with me already. I always promise that they will always be with me only and never let out to anyone else. Even if we have quarrels, which you say sometimes, which I will never have, as I keep telling you. The probability of my getting angry with you is zero now as I have accepted you as a good person and my friend too, of which I have very, very few in my life. Even here in my hotel room when I am thinking of you I am getting only GOOD feelings about you!! How can I , in such a case, ever get angry with you. Sad maybe yes, but never angry. Sad because one day you and I may be too far away from each other to maintain even this small friendship which we share between us today by virtue of being in the same office floor and sad because you will probably never keep in touch by mails or otherwise if we are far away as all said and done whatever I may be feeling about you is certainly not what you may be feeling about me. But sadness does not make a person spill out the other’s secrets. That’s why I keep saying that all your information is safe with me forever. I will always look at you as a friend of mine even if that is not reciprocated by you. Ah yes what I can give to you in return for this friendship, which I feel towards you is something which only time can tell. I don’t know myself as I am not really habituated in nourishing a good friendship for the simple reason that I don’t know how to because I don’t have many friends.
I have a real life story to tell you but I will not. But that story has a moral in it. It is about Faith being greater than anything else in life. From Faith comes every other relationship, be it love or be it friendship or be it companionship. The problem is that in a short span of your life you have met so many people like X, Y and now Z ONLY ...… gosh, I don’t blame you if you cannot have faith in men!! There are really so many such men around us that women are really not safe. Of course for the other type of women too it is therefore very easy to take advantage and shine in their lives taking help of such opportunities. Do you ever stop to think why so many men around you want something from you all the time? Some want to “talk” to you on sat evening after office (vc), Some want to sit beside you (ms). Some want to listen to you (me). Why do you think all have the same reasons? The reasons will be different depending on what they see in you. You will have to understand that aspect. That’s all is needed.
Since it is difficult to understand the other person, why don’t you have faith in yourself rather and then see what happens? Give enough rope to people and then pull it tight to strangle them if you see signs of negativity. Generally speaking, you should have just enough Faith to make you believe that it is YOU who have something great inside that makes people want to be your friend? Something in your character that makes people like me want to be near you some times? Something that is beyond your simple womanhood, which you never ever exhibit, rather something more strong like intelligence and charisma and friendliness and strength of character which you constantly emanate from your persona? The warmness of your nature and the kindness that is inside you which makes you more beautiful than any other women? Why don’t you have faith in yourself that this is the reason why some men like me want to be your friend? What is it that, at my age and with my nature whereby I can tell a woman to get out from my room, if she says I am after her like a cheap guy on the road, with my roughness and rude nature, I find inside you to that makes me softer and calmer whenever I am in your presence? It is YOU and your charisma. I really wonder nobody has ever told you this!!! Men like me don’t take advantage of women like you when they become friendly. Men like me have never therefore had girl friends or women friends and the likes as we never can hurt a person. We are not flamboyant we feel through our minds and thus we may get hurt but never hurt the woman we are friends with. And believe me we don’t go by what we see, we go by what we feel inside the other person. I can never be a friend with people who are shallow. We are different. I say ‘WE’ because I do believe I am not unique and there are many men whom you have met or will meet who will see you as a person and not a woman and will not misconstrue freeness and frankness and friendliness as an invitation to danger!! I know this is the reason you never reciprocate my long detailed mails and you will not reciprocate this either, besides the probable reason that while I may see something attractive in you, you may not be seeing, which is VERY NATURAL. But the fact that you do continue to reply to me shows that you don’t disbelieve me either. (Thank God!!). So that’s why I get the courage to say all this to you, because I feel that you will not reject me outright. There is some small liking for me inside you, and that goes beyond your simple need to have a “sounding board”, right? Some small traces of friendliness, which you feel towards me. Well, I wish it is so, I may be wrong still.
And then what is friendship? The definition of friendship changes as we age, develop responsibilities and mature. When we are children, friendship is a game. We play games with our friends and fight and we don’t go beyond that. At this age it is therefore easy to be friends with anybody. Like a boy arrives at a new locality. The other boys call him up and welcome him to join them in cricket and that’s the beginning of a friendship, which has no belonging as such but the only link is the game that play every evening. When we are in our youth, we start sharing some life with the other, sply if we are in a hostel together or bunk classes together or see films together or study together. This is the time when one develops that real best friend or special friend. At this age some maturity has creeped in and some definite will of our own, due to which we make friends with less number of people as we are now learning that we cannot adjust with everybody. The mental link that develops at this age is through common interests. Here also the signs of Love appear if the liking goes beyond a reasonable state. I am not talking of love here so I will not discuss this further. Now at an older age, the family status also matters. Here you will find that the individuals are completely grown up people and so just doing common activities will not sustain friendship. Here you will rarely find that a bachelor man is very welcome in a married family. Not because of the risks involved as much as the different ways of entertainment the two groups follow. Then bachelor will be more likely to go on binges, movies, outside food, staying out late etc. But the family, sply as it grows older and gets more responsibilities in terms of children growing older etc, will have other occupation and will not find time to go out anytime they want to or stay out late etc. So this mismatch is what prevents different types to become friends. This mismatch even prevents a single woman to become friends with a married man or vice versa, as the single woman thinks she is being looked at as if she is available for a binge or “something on the side” (this word was the exact word used by a man to his net friend. I know as that lady told me herself and how she got hurt at that revelation and how she kicked him out) and in the case of a single man with a married woman too the single man thinks the married woman is coming to him for something on the side. These things happen as we don’t see relationships normally in our society. The wife will not like the husband to develop friendship with other women, single or married nor the husband will like his wife to develop friendship with another man. We have to live with that. But is it worth it in this short life? That we cannot do what our hearts and minds want, as long as it not something negative, meaning it hurts people and relationships. I think we can.
I will explain now. What is the common factor in all the above definitions of friendship that drives the relationships? It is the shared interest. Or the common ways of life or common likes and dislikes that two friends share between themselves. Like once you had a good time with your friends in office. Right? Can you think of any other factor? Yes. There is something else that drives friendship and if this clicks then the friendship can be everlasting pure/ platonic and irrespective of age or status of life. This comes from the mind. When two minds click it generates a friendship, which is blind. Blind to the looks, blind to the sex. That is why there are so many incidences of rich friendship thriving over the net , where we don’t even see each other so neither know what the other person looks like or even whether he or she is really a he or a she. They thrive solely because their minds have clicked and whatever they speak to each other and when they listen to each other the good feelings flow and so they remain friends. So what I am saying is that to answer your question to vc that day “why a man and a woman cannot become friends without the creeping of sexual intonations in India or the world” is because we don’t know how to become blind and trust your inner senses, our MIND. If we know how to become friends via the MIND we can overcome this obstacle. What does two person do in such a “mind friendship”, as I call it? One thing you have already done with me and do most times, using me as a sounding board. Yes a very good word you used!! Two friends whose minds have clicked, do share a lot of thoughts about their lives, past-present-future & thoughts about their day to day decisions with one another. It is always nice to have someone whom you can fall upon and talk to. It is required by all people, irrespective of how big their families are. One friend is required by all person with whom they can share even their family troubles, not that the friend can give good advice, but it sometimes happens that just by talking with that person you feel relaxed even if you may or may not get the solution, which most of the times comes from one’s within only. Such mind friends share mostly mental time together and so do not need to meet physically, can talk on phone, by emails or even face to face sitting anywhere, not necessarily at a coffee shop or any particular day and time like sat evening after office hours. They can do this even during office hours and in the passage or the staircase. Such mind friends don’t go out together to have fun together but go out together to share quality time and just to feel good and fun etc are just secondary outcomes. They may even go to the sabji market, for that matter, is what I am trying to say. Other than mind friends will rather go to the movies or drives or TGIF, if you get me what I am trying to say. Real mental friends can go out anywhere with each other as they don’t need the PLACE to support their time together, they have themselves to take care of that, unknowingly. Getting me? I am sure you have got what I mean by the definition of mind friendship. You don’t even have to TALK when you are with your mind friend. Do look back on your life and try to recall, did you ever have a friend like this? You may have had ..or maybe this situation happened to you momentarily when you felt comfortable with someone. That was it!! Of course all said and done, when a man and a woman becomes mind friends you cannot deny the chemical attractions, that is God’s gift to mankind. I am, though not talking about that.,
And to end this discourse on “friendship” I want to say this that in you I have seen a mind that is capable of this relationship. Now it is ANOTHER question with whose mind it can click. It need not be mine!!!!! Certainly it cannot click with everyone. And when you find such a person you will see that you will too have no problems in sharing your thoughts with him or her (not that it has to be a HIM, can be anyone) and you will not require to follow the established path of expressing friendship.
What I am saying is that I have always been asking you to be my friend (and “for life”—which phrase I will explain later today or later) …. I know you have never really reciprocated in a very OPEN manner.. No woman does that!! Nor DO I recommend such openness!! Because for a Woman in India such OPENNESS only attracts trouble. Now in situations of doubt how does one know what is right? Or what is not? okay? I say……. I say it is your inner faith which should guide you, your own intuition that is based on your faith in yourself and your ability to TALK the TRUTH and Listen to the TRUTH.
It is like this, If I know I cannot do no wrong, I can rest assured that I can resist if the other person wants to do wrong. If I know myself I should be able to know the other person too. If I am comfortable with myself and have faith that I don’t give out an image of what I am not, then why should I think that the other person would think me different? Yes there are fools who don’t see the signals and misconstrues but then I also have to have faith in myself that I can handle that . Isn’t it like that with you too?
Bye & take care [I think today I have really put my foot in my mouth, but I really like you very much and what more can I say about you than this? That should tell you something about you. And so when I say I want to be near you most of the times and I keep thinking of you or missing you I say all that with purity in my heart like a friend. Of course it would be untruthful of me if I also don’t say that I miss your watery eyes, they always seem to bring to me thoughts of the deep sea. You know what a sea signifies? Depth and mystery, You never know what is under those tons of water. So too when I look into those eyes of yours I get lost in the depth behind them. They are beautiful in that sense. Now don’t get red with either shyness or anger. Both are not good for health, the former for you and the latter for me !!!]
xxxxxxxxxxx
.
… what’s new at your end? Same as usual? Good Morning once again.
So here I am enjoying my moment writing to you and enjoying in the thought of what you will think when you read this stupid mail from me. I know you will never reply back in reciprocal length and depth but still it is fun to try to understand what may go on in your mind when you read all this, which of course is not in fun but I really mean every word of it. Most probably you read my mails every day and get more and more and convinced that I am an idiot, but harmless nevertheless. Maybe you are good to me because you are too kind to make me sad by rejecting me. Some people are too kind and don’t feel like turning down other people for the simple fact that they just don’t have the heart to do so. I know you have a kind heart too, so I say this. After all it is not so easy to know a person fully. Isn’t it so?
In fact you have read that hen laying golden eggs story? The man killed the hen in the hope he will get MANY golden eggs !! My case with you also is somewhat similar. You are replying to my mails from time to time and are also talking to me everyday when I meet you. So whatever little bit I am getting from you as friendship I should be happy ..like that man that got ONE golden egg everyday.. but NO!! I want to get all the golden eggs and here I am egging you with my same old plea be my friend be my friend ..-- be my friend.. Shit!! What a mad chap I am !! We are already friends! What is the doubt about that!! What more do I want from you!! I am sure you are crying now out of desperation..… thinking what have you done to deserve all these people around you who seem bent upon making you lose your sanity..!! Hmmm let me see if I can explain what mad thoughts go on inside my mind…sighhhh…I have read somewhere that the conversartion among people at office who are colleagues 99% of the time or maybe 100% time revolves around office gossip and office politics. Therefore concluded in that essay that this is the reason why friendships don’t flourish so much among office colleagues. After all to become good friends you have to share more than mere office gossip, like we do too most of the times. But the silver lining is that we do discuss some 5% of other things too, I know that.
I am enjoying this DESOLATE PLACE in my own way. I always enjoy wherever I am. Because for me -- enjoyment is a state of the mind… I look at life as a moment in eternity… when I am at home I have my family…THAT is a moment in eternity… when I am at office I have my colleagues , now THAT also is another moment in eternity ….the moments are all distinct, .here for now, and gone tomorrow, and a new moment will come… when I am at office the same happens….. when I am alone.. the same happens..
So what is common??………….. Me!! Silly!!! Since I am the SCF ("Same Common Factor"- Something like a HCF in Maths ) in every situation it is me who has to adjust isn’t it so. And I only have to adjust my reactions to the different signals that come in to me from different persons. Like when I am with you I always get good signals which make me feel comfortable and peaceful near you. That is why we need not even talk and you can very well go on working on your pc and I can sit for hours in front of you thinking of other things in my mind and yet not feel uneasy or make you feel uneasy. That is the positive nature of signals that flow from you to me. And who is responsible? You. Because you are a good person through and through. It is always the other person who is responsible for making one comfortable around him or her.
When I am with you too… it is me who has to adjust (like I have to check myself to see that I do what you like and avoid doing what you don’t like……....That is how I see any situation.. and since I believe Life is too short.. I believe in soaking in every moment of my life… whether it is at home or with you or here at this MOST DESOLATE PLACE! .. What about you? Would you like to tell me about yourself? What do you feel about such things? What do you think of life? Tell me if you are feel free enough with me today.
Don’t worry if you are not ready.. It takes time to believe, time to believe the other person and his intentions. But you do share a lot of your outer thoughts and personal problems with me already. I always promise that they will always be with me only and never let out to anyone else. Even if we have quarrels, which you say sometimes, which I will never have, as I keep telling you. The probability of my getting angry with you is zero now as I have accepted you as a good person and my friend too, of which I have very, very few in my life. Even here in my hotel room when I am thinking of you I am getting only GOOD feelings about you!! How can I , in such a case, ever get angry with you. Sad maybe yes, but never angry. Sad because one day you and I may be too far away from each other to maintain even this small friendship which we share between us today by virtue of being in the same office floor and sad because you will probably never keep in touch by mails or otherwise if we are far away as all said and done whatever I may be feeling about you is certainly not what you may be feeling about me. But sadness does not make a person spill out the other’s secrets. That’s why I keep saying that all your information is safe with me forever. I will always look at you as a friend of mine even if that is not reciprocated by you. Ah yes what I can give to you in return for this friendship, which I feel towards you is something which only time can tell. I don’t know myself as I am not really habituated in nourishing a good friendship for the simple reason that I don’t know how to because I don’t have many friends.
I have a real life story to tell you but I will not. But that story has a moral in it. It is about Faith being greater than anything else in life. From Faith comes every other relationship, be it love or be it friendship or be it companionship. The problem is that in a short span of your life you have met so many people like X, Y and now Z ONLY ...… gosh, I don’t blame you if you cannot have faith in men!! There are really so many such men around us that women are really not safe. Of course for the other type of women too it is therefore very easy to take advantage and shine in their lives taking help of such opportunities. Do you ever stop to think why so many men around you want something from you all the time? Some want to “talk” to you on sat evening after office (vc), Some want to sit beside you (ms). Some want to listen to you (me). Why do you think all have the same reasons? The reasons will be different depending on what they see in you. You will have to understand that aspect. That’s all is needed.
Since it is difficult to understand the other person, why don’t you have faith in yourself rather and then see what happens? Give enough rope to people and then pull it tight to strangle them if you see signs of negativity. Generally speaking, you should have just enough Faith to make you believe that it is YOU who have something great inside that makes people want to be your friend? Something in your character that makes people like me want to be near you some times? Something that is beyond your simple womanhood, which you never ever exhibit, rather something more strong like intelligence and charisma and friendliness and strength of character which you constantly emanate from your persona? The warmness of your nature and the kindness that is inside you which makes you more beautiful than any other women? Why don’t you have faith in yourself that this is the reason why some men like me want to be your friend? What is it that, at my age and with my nature whereby I can tell a woman to get out from my room, if she says I am after her like a cheap guy on the road, with my roughness and rude nature, I find inside you to that makes me softer and calmer whenever I am in your presence? It is YOU and your charisma. I really wonder nobody has ever told you this!!! Men like me don’t take advantage of women like you when they become friendly. Men like me have never therefore had girl friends or women friends and the likes as we never can hurt a person. We are not flamboyant we feel through our minds and thus we may get hurt but never hurt the woman we are friends with. And believe me we don’t go by what we see, we go by what we feel inside the other person. I can never be a friend with people who are shallow. We are different. I say ‘WE’ because I do believe I am not unique and there are many men whom you have met or will meet who will see you as a person and not a woman and will not misconstrue freeness and frankness and friendliness as an invitation to danger!! I know this is the reason you never reciprocate my long detailed mails and you will not reciprocate this either, besides the probable reason that while I may see something attractive in you, you may not be seeing, which is VERY NATURAL. But the fact that you do continue to reply to me shows that you don’t disbelieve me either. (Thank God!!). So that’s why I get the courage to say all this to you, because I feel that you will not reject me outright. There is some small liking for me inside you, and that goes beyond your simple need to have a “sounding board”, right? Some small traces of friendliness, which you feel towards me. Well, I wish it is so, I may be wrong still.
And then what is friendship? The definition of friendship changes as we age, develop responsibilities and mature. When we are children, friendship is a game. We play games with our friends and fight and we don’t go beyond that. At this age it is therefore easy to be friends with anybody. Like a boy arrives at a new locality. The other boys call him up and welcome him to join them in cricket and that’s the beginning of a friendship, which has no belonging as such but the only link is the game that play every evening. When we are in our youth, we start sharing some life with the other, sply if we are in a hostel together or bunk classes together or see films together or study together. This is the time when one develops that real best friend or special friend. At this age some maturity has creeped in and some definite will of our own, due to which we make friends with less number of people as we are now learning that we cannot adjust with everybody. The mental link that develops at this age is through common interests. Here also the signs of Love appear if the liking goes beyond a reasonable state. I am not talking of love here so I will not discuss this further. Now at an older age, the family status also matters. Here you will find that the individuals are completely grown up people and so just doing common activities will not sustain friendship. Here you will rarely find that a bachelor man is very welcome in a married family. Not because of the risks involved as much as the different ways of entertainment the two groups follow. Then bachelor will be more likely to go on binges, movies, outside food, staying out late etc. But the family, sply as it grows older and gets more responsibilities in terms of children growing older etc, will have other occupation and will not find time to go out anytime they want to or stay out late etc. So this mismatch is what prevents different types to become friends. This mismatch even prevents a single woman to become friends with a married man or vice versa, as the single woman thinks she is being looked at as if she is available for a binge or “something on the side” (this word was the exact word used by a man to his net friend. I know as that lady told me herself and how she got hurt at that revelation and how she kicked him out) and in the case of a single man with a married woman too the single man thinks the married woman is coming to him for something on the side. These things happen as we don’t see relationships normally in our society. The wife will not like the husband to develop friendship with other women, single or married nor the husband will like his wife to develop friendship with another man. We have to live with that. But is it worth it in this short life? That we cannot do what our hearts and minds want, as long as it not something negative, meaning it hurts people and relationships. I think we can.
I will explain now. What is the common factor in all the above definitions of friendship that drives the relationships? It is the shared interest. Or the common ways of life or common likes and dislikes that two friends share between themselves. Like once you had a good time with your friends in office. Right? Can you think of any other factor? Yes. There is something else that drives friendship and if this clicks then the friendship can be everlasting pure/ platonic and irrespective of age or status of life. This comes from the mind. When two minds click it generates a friendship, which is blind. Blind to the looks, blind to the sex. That is why there are so many incidences of rich friendship thriving over the net , where we don’t even see each other so neither know what the other person looks like or even whether he or she is really a he or a she. They thrive solely because their minds have clicked and whatever they speak to each other and when they listen to each other the good feelings flow and so they remain friends. So what I am saying is that to answer your question to vc that day “why a man and a woman cannot become friends without the creeping of sexual intonations in India or the world” is because we don’t know how to become blind and trust your inner senses, our MIND. If we know how to become friends via the MIND we can overcome this obstacle. What does two person do in such a “mind friendship”, as I call it? One thing you have already done with me and do most times, using me as a sounding board. Yes a very good word you used!! Two friends whose minds have clicked, do share a lot of thoughts about their lives, past-present-future & thoughts about their day to day decisions with one another. It is always nice to have someone whom you can fall upon and talk to. It is required by all people, irrespective of how big their families are. One friend is required by all person with whom they can share even their family troubles, not that the friend can give good advice, but it sometimes happens that just by talking with that person you feel relaxed even if you may or may not get the solution, which most of the times comes from one’s within only. Such mind friends share mostly mental time together and so do not need to meet physically, can talk on phone, by emails or even face to face sitting anywhere, not necessarily at a coffee shop or any particular day and time like sat evening after office hours. They can do this even during office hours and in the passage or the staircase. Such mind friends don’t go out together to have fun together but go out together to share quality time and just to feel good and fun etc are just secondary outcomes. They may even go to the sabji market, for that matter, is what I am trying to say. Other than mind friends will rather go to the movies or drives or TGIF, if you get me what I am trying to say. Real mental friends can go out anywhere with each other as they don’t need the PLACE to support their time together, they have themselves to take care of that, unknowingly. Getting me? I am sure you have got what I mean by the definition of mind friendship. You don’t even have to TALK when you are with your mind friend. Do look back on your life and try to recall, did you ever have a friend like this? You may have had ..or maybe this situation happened to you momentarily when you felt comfortable with someone. That was it!! Of course all said and done, when a man and a woman becomes mind friends you cannot deny the chemical attractions, that is God’s gift to mankind. I am, though not talking about that.,
And to end this discourse on “friendship” I want to say this that in you I have seen a mind that is capable of this relationship. Now it is ANOTHER question with whose mind it can click. It need not be mine!!!!! Certainly it cannot click with everyone. And when you find such a person you will see that you will too have no problems in sharing your thoughts with him or her (not that it has to be a HIM, can be anyone) and you will not require to follow the established path of expressing friendship.
What I am saying is that I have always been asking you to be my friend (and “for life”—which phrase I will explain later today or later) …. I know you have never really reciprocated in a very OPEN manner.. No woman does that!! Nor DO I recommend such openness!! Because for a Woman in India such OPENNESS only attracts trouble. Now in situations of doubt how does one know what is right? Or what is not? okay? I say……. I say it is your inner faith which should guide you, your own intuition that is based on your faith in yourself and your ability to TALK the TRUTH and Listen to the TRUTH.
It is like this, If I know I cannot do no wrong, I can rest assured that I can resist if the other person wants to do wrong. If I know myself I should be able to know the other person too. If I am comfortable with myself and have faith that I don’t give out an image of what I am not, then why should I think that the other person would think me different? Yes there are fools who don’t see the signals and misconstrues but then I also have to have faith in myself that I can handle that . Isn’t it like that with you too?
Bye & take care [I think today I have really put my foot in my mouth, but I really like you very much and what more can I say about you than this? That should tell you something about you. And so when I say I want to be near you most of the times and I keep thinking of you or missing you I say all that with purity in my heart like a friend. Of course it would be untruthful of me if I also don’t say that I miss your watery eyes, they always seem to bring to me thoughts of the deep sea. You know what a sea signifies? Depth and mystery, You never know what is under those tons of water. So too when I look into those eyes of yours I get lost in the depth behind them. They are beautiful in that sense. Now don’t get red with either shyness or anger. Both are not good for health, the former for you and the latter for me !!!]
xxxxxxxxxxx
.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Some thoughts on Love, friendship and others
Actually these have been sent to me by someone really. Thus this must be generally available on the web. But this is good and so let me start my collections [of imaginary mails] with this
- Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
- Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
- Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
- What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
- If love isn't a game, why are there so many players?
- Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
- You can only go as far as you push!
- Actions speak louder than words.
- The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
- Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
- Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
- A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.
- Some people make the world special by just being in it.
- Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us.
- When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.
- True friendship never ends. Friends are forever.
- Good friends are like stars....you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
- Don't frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
- Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
- Most people walk in and out of your life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.
- If u love something...let it go. If it comes back to you its yours.... If it doesn't then it never was.
- A kiss is just a kiss until u find the one you love. A hug is just a hug until its from the one ur thinking of. A dream is just a dream until u make it come tru. LOVE is just a word until its proven 2 u.
I AM MASTER OF THIS CYBER WORLD- MAIL COLLECTION introduction
Human beings are mixtures of emotions anf feelings. When comeone meets someone else we act and react, we explode and implode, we attract and retract. In my life I have met many women/ girls and I have felt differently towards them each time.
Supposing I was in contact with them at those times and supposing I was writing to them what would I write? Let me see what ofeelings one can convey through his letters.
Starting today, I will now post a series of imaginary mails to imaginary women.
This is my cyber world where I am the master of what I do and see and FEEL. So here is to my first mail of the series. Cheers!!!
Supposing I was in contact with them at those times and supposing I was writing to them what would I write? Let me see what ofeelings one can convey through his letters.
Starting today, I will now post a series of imaginary mails to imaginary women.
This is my cyber world where I am the master of what I do and see and FEEL. So here is to my first mail of the series. Cheers!!!
Monday, December 19, 2005
How to SAVE yourself
[These are not my own words but from somewhere I do not remember now; good to share it here].
There is life beyond self-pity!
Emotions can be injurious to health too. Like accident-prone people, there are emotional limbo-prone people! Complicated though it may sound, our emotions do rule our lives. For some it is an excessive tendency while for some others, there is a marked lack of it. Too much of anything is corrupting. Like wise too much self-pity can be ruinous to our health, personal and professional life as well.
Emotions can be injurious to health too. Like accident-prone people, there are emotional limbo-prone people! Complicated though it may sound, our emotions do rule our lives. For some it is an excessive tendency while for some others, there is a marked lack of it. Too much of anything is corrupting. Like wise too much self-pity can be ruinous to our health, personal and professional life as well.
Read the signs well
Self-love is good. It is even very healing, if it translates into positive and productive action. An excess of it can border on narcissism. This can distort any criticism, lending it a decidedly negative tone. It could trigger resentment, anger, self-pity, and even a self-deprecating attitude. So how do you know when you are beginning to go over board? Constant irritation at the mere hint of criticism, desire to sulk and withdraw rather than react sportively to criticism, are symptoms of an impending gloom time.
Self-love is good. It is even very healing, if it translates into positive and productive action. An excess of it can border on narcissism. This can distort any criticism, lending it a decidedly negative tone. It could trigger resentment, anger, self-pity, and even a self-deprecating attitude. So how do you know when you are beginning to go over board? Constant irritation at the mere hint of criticism, desire to sulk and withdraw rather than react sportively to criticism, are symptoms of an impending gloom time.
Better still, nip it in the bud!
Once you are aware of the trend you are beginning to follow, watch how you react to criticism. Criticism is not often unwarranted. There must surely be something that must have triggered it. Get rid of the, I, me and myself fascination. The ability to look inward is indeed a rare ability, but limit it to self- appraisal, and use these insights to better yourself. When you are beginning to feel sad on the slightest pretext, it’s time to do a thorough study on yourself.
Once you are aware of the trend you are beginning to follow, watch how you react to criticism. Criticism is not often unwarranted. There must surely be something that must have triggered it. Get rid of the, I, me and myself fascination. The ability to look inward is indeed a rare ability, but limit it to self- appraisal, and use these insights to better yourself. When you are beginning to feel sad on the slightest pretext, it’s time to do a thorough study on yourself.
When things go wrong…
Life is a roller coaster ride. Moments of happiness, disappointment, and heartache are inevitable. Consider the instance of Surekha, a content writer with a dotcom company. It was an almost picture perfect life for her, till a minor accident upset the apple cart. She had nearly lost the use of one of her fingers. The subsequent operation and the interim period of convalescence was a revelation. Despite such testing times, her courage was inspirational. She retained her lively sense of humour and availed every opportunity to get back on to her feet. Very soon, she was back at the office, getting into the grind of regular work. It was an amazing experience for everyone at the workplace as well. She never let the shadow of self-pity or depression get the better of her. These are positive expressions of life. Whenever tragedy or trauma strikes, it’s a call to bring forth your inner reserves of strength to the fore and tackle the problem head on. Self-pity can only delay the process further and instead land you in a deeper quagmire than before.
Life is a roller coaster ride. Moments of happiness, disappointment, and heartache are inevitable. Consider the instance of Surekha, a content writer with a dotcom company. It was an almost picture perfect life for her, till a minor accident upset the apple cart. She had nearly lost the use of one of her fingers. The subsequent operation and the interim period of convalescence was a revelation. Despite such testing times, her courage was inspirational. She retained her lively sense of humour and availed every opportunity to get back on to her feet. Very soon, she was back at the office, getting into the grind of regular work. It was an amazing experience for everyone at the workplace as well. She never let the shadow of self-pity or depression get the better of her. These are positive expressions of life. Whenever tragedy or trauma strikes, it’s a call to bring forth your inner reserves of strength to the fore and tackle the problem head on. Self-pity can only delay the process further and instead land you in a deeper quagmire than before.
Self-image does matter
A poor self-image can contribute to further self-pitying tactics. Before you even realise, it assumes the nature of a package deal! Low self-esteem and self-image can trick you into playing with negative emotions on yourself. Even remotely unrelated events that have gone awry can make you aware of your shortcomings. It’s then an easy guilt trip all set to make you feel like the only sinner and failure in the world. So what’s good about the whole thing? Your limitations. When you are consciously aware of your limitations, then it’s easier to make a head start on things that you do like doing, despite inherent barriers. Face up to the problematic issues squarely and analyse how you could use them positively.
A poor self-image can contribute to further self-pitying tactics. Before you even realise, it assumes the nature of a package deal! Low self-esteem and self-image can trick you into playing with negative emotions on yourself. Even remotely unrelated events that have gone awry can make you aware of your shortcomings. It’s then an easy guilt trip all set to make you feel like the only sinner and failure in the world. So what’s good about the whole thing? Your limitations. When you are consciously aware of your limitations, then it’s easier to make a head start on things that you do like doing, despite inherent barriers. Face up to the problematic issues squarely and analyse how you could use them positively.
If you still want to be an infamous masochist…
Then wallow in greater sadness, nit-pick on everything that goes wrong and drown yourself in sorrow. It’s nice to feel victimised, for you whimper for as much attention as possible. The only thing is, the novelty of the whole thing will soon begin to wear off everyone. You will end up with nothing but self-pity for a friend. So be proactive, consider self-pity as an indication that you need a break, be kind on yourself and do better things that boost your motivation levels.
So the next time round, whenever you feel the need to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead. Just remember though, that it’s a fine way to do yourself in, better than even your best enemy can!
Then wallow in greater sadness, nit-pick on everything that goes wrong and drown yourself in sorrow. It’s nice to feel victimised, for you whimper for as much attention as possible. The only thing is, the novelty of the whole thing will soon begin to wear off everyone. You will end up with nothing but self-pity for a friend. So be proactive, consider self-pity as an indication that you need a break, be kind on yourself and do better things that boost your motivation levels.
So the next time round, whenever you feel the need to feel sorry for yourself, go ahead. Just remember though, that it’s a fine way to do yourself in, better than even your best enemy can!
Are you feeling low?
Sometimes, workplace pressures can pull us down and we can end up feeling undervalued and unappreciated. This happens to the best of us. It pays to pinpoint those factors that pull us down and also learn strategies that’ll keep these workplace blues at bay.
Sometimes, workplace pressures can pull us down and we can end up feeling undervalued and unappreciated. This happens to the best of us. It pays to pinpoint those factors that pull us down and also learn strategies that’ll keep these workplace blues at bay.
Withdrawing never helps
When we feel down and under, we can be tempted to keep to ourselves. Take a simple example. On the way to work, a stranger on the road raved and ranted at Saritha for overtaking his vehicle. She was stunned and totally upset by the time she reached office. Initially she was hopping mad and responded to her colleagues in curt monosyllables. Later, as she shared the incident with them she felt the tension leaving her. She could laugh it off and soon her good humour was restored to her. Had she just sat in her corner and brooded over the confrontation all day long, the chances are that she’d have had a lousy day!
When things are not going well, don’t isolate yourself- it’ll only make you brood and think negatively. Make an effort to interact with others and you’ll soon be back to your normal self.
When we feel down and under, we can be tempted to keep to ourselves. Take a simple example. On the way to work, a stranger on the road raved and ranted at Saritha for overtaking his vehicle. She was stunned and totally upset by the time she reached office. Initially she was hopping mad and responded to her colleagues in curt monosyllables. Later, as she shared the incident with them she felt the tension leaving her. She could laugh it off and soon her good humour was restored to her. Had she just sat in her corner and brooded over the confrontation all day long, the chances are that she’d have had a lousy day!
When things are not going well, don’t isolate yourself- it’ll only make you brood and think negatively. Make an effort to interact with others and you’ll soon be back to your normal self.
A private viewing of trophies
At some point or the other, we’ve all received compliments from our boss or co-workers. File all such feathers in your cap and when you’re feeling low, just leaf through them. It can pep up your sagging morale and make you feel your worth once again. If you have never received such appreciating notes, don’t get disheartened. Look at projects or assignments you’ve handled successfully. Remember how you faced challenges and the end result of it. Focus on your triumphs and successes rather than on your failures and goof-ups
At some point or the other, we’ve all received compliments from our boss or co-workers. File all such feathers in your cap and when you’re feeling low, just leaf through them. It can pep up your sagging morale and make you feel your worth once again. If you have never received such appreciating notes, don’t get disheartened. Look at projects or assignments you’ve handled successfully. Remember how you faced challenges and the end result of it. Focus on your triumphs and successes rather than on your failures and goof-ups
Playing the games people play
Workplace politics can be the biggest drain on your self-esteem especially if you’re the football being kicked around by one and all! Just stay away from all Machiavellian characters.
Workplace politics can be the biggest drain on your self-esteem especially if you’re the football being kicked around by one and all! Just stay away from all Machiavellian characters.
An occasional treat
Ok, so maybe no one is patting you on the back for all the work you put in. How about treating yourself for what you do and what you are? Shikha, a technical writer with an unappreciative boss, pampers herself once in a while by splurging on a new CD or a new gadget. She feels that this works wonders for her motivation. If no one else rewards you, you do it!
Ok, so maybe no one is patting you on the back for all the work you put in. How about treating yourself for what you do and what you are? Shikha, a technical writer with an unappreciative boss, pampers herself once in a while by splurging on a new CD or a new gadget. She feels that this works wonders for her motivation. If no one else rewards you, you do it!
Whose life is it anyway?
It’s your life and your sense of sense of self-worth should be defined by you - not by others and certainly not by circumstances. When the chips are down, you don’t have to be down too. Hang around with people who do wonders for your morale, not with those who make you feel like an unwanted child! Interacting with those who bring out the best in you and being committed to being true to your true self are sure ways of riding the crest of those lows in your life.
It’s your life and your sense of sense of self-worth should be defined by you - not by others and certainly not by circumstances. When the chips are down, you don’t have to be down too. Hang around with people who do wonders for your morale, not with those who make you feel like an unwanted child! Interacting with those who bring out the best in you and being committed to being true to your true self are sure ways of riding the crest of those lows in your life.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Relationships- The Differences essentially
[These are my own thoughts]
This is just an assortment of a winter afternoon baked thoughts from me who has nothing to do in his life. The subject of relationship has been my favourite one for a long time, and different experiences in my life set my thought chain clanking. I have these views of mine, some of which are same as yours but some are not perhaps. I will keep them bulleted to help you speed through these stupid thoughts.
'Relationships’ could be ‘Husband-wife’, “parent-children” and it could also be ‘friends’. It does not include “colleagues” as this type follow different rules and is easier to maintain as mostly it can be done through pampering, flattery, bootlicking, ordering, fawning, buttering or plain inciting the conduct and discipline Guidelines depending on the relative positions of the two colleagues, vertically or laterally. As for the other main three types of relationships the following hold true except for ‘parent-children relationship’. There is a subtle difference about this relationship, which I will talk about at the end. So here goes my bullets:-
- Relationships are hard to build. It takes a lot of pain and tenderness and care to build and it can happen if only both care for each other. Care is the catalyst;
- It can be built easily only if both keep an open mind and do not stamp each other with archetypal ideas of the other person in the relationship, the greatest mistake, which most of us, however intelligent we are, fall prey to. Times have changed and are changing constantly. So too the role models have changed and gone are the days, for eg., Earlier men were from MARS and women were from VENUS. Now even men are from Venus and Women are from MARS and just because a husband drinks cannot mean he is going to neglect the wife which has been society’s age old idea of an archetypal husband, or just because a schooldboy smokes does not mean he is going to neglect his studies or go into bad company (if we keep aside the health side away for the moment this has been one very typical idea of some old timer parents once); Our ideas of archetypal people do prevent us from seeing things as they are really, it is a pity but true. It is not good to be proud thinking that one can handle ‘people’ as one’s idea of such ‘people’ may be totally wrong. This has been and is still being a major cause of break-ups of relationships or relationships dying before they are born.
- Once built they are even harder to keep. Familiarity may breed contempt or closeness may reveal warts, which were not visible from afar. So lot more care about the other person is required now. The catalyst here is not just care but selfless care.
- The responsibility does lie on both persons- heavily. One cannot remain a spectator if one is also interested in building and maintaining the relationship;
- But the responsibility lies most when the relationships are built as if the initial choice is wrong then the tremors will be felt sooner or later. Here too the responsibility lies on both. Both must help each other understand each other so that they can decide to go for it or not go for it as once they have gone for it should be a one way path and no coming back AND if they decide not to go for it they should part without MALICE. All the problems happen when one person is either overzealous and so kills the hen that lays the golden egg or promises to lay ones OR reticent to share the mind / has a wrongly placed idea of politeness and so keeps quiet & thus causes the other person to kill the hen under the false impression that all the golden eggs are now ready. The key word here is COMMUNICATION.
- As people grow older in a relationship they may come closer or fall apart, irrespective of how hard they try, if there are some basic differences in their characters. This may work both ways. They can either try harder to look at the good points in each other or say Goodbye if they feel that such differences are untenable. The latter will in that case keep them mentally healthy rather than letting them go through the mental agony of remaining together.
- However the worse situation is forming a wrong idea and then going for it and the relationship not working out eventually rather than forming a wrong idea and not going for it as in the latter case there is still hope as long as Bullet-5 is true- that they part without malice. When malice comes into the game then things will never be the same again. And malice may come if one kills the hen that laid golden eggs by mistake.
- Thus the ideal way to build a relationship as per me (here is where different people will have different views- as so far mostly I have said what all say) is to start with whether you like a person or do not like a person who is offering a hand for a relationship or to whom you are thinking of offering a hand. You either like him/ her or do not like him/ her,
- If you do not like him/her tell him/ her without letting him make a fool of himself/ herself or tell him you are not sure so to give you some time to think. Whatever, but do not waste time in doing this. “Politenes” has nothing to do with wasting time; “uncaring” has everything to do with wasting time. They key word as I said is COMMUNICATION.
- If you like him/ her then tell him so and go for it or tell him your feelings and take time to rethink in this case too.
- If you have gone for it and are tied together in a relationship then either you like each other more as days go by or you do not;
- If you like each other then it is fine.
- If you do not like less of each other as days pass by then you either decide to make it work or you decide not to make it work.
- If you decide to let go, then do it; do not waste time as time wasted means malice generated;
- If you decide to make it work, then you either be patient, communicative, innovative, understanding, caring and selfless or you do not.
- If you do not then better break off.
- If you do then you will survive. For here then you will try to see the other person as not what you think he or she should be for you but what he or she is and how you yourself can change for him or her. This is the final truth of any relationship. Unfortunately for most of us, in our self centred ways, caused by our nuclear families, living away from people, being more career oriented and hence less caring about human relationships, this is the last thing we try to do or are able to do.
The last word in life is that everybody is born alone and dies alone (even if death comes to both at the same time). Everybody is lonely even when together with someone and everybody can stay alone and does stay alone when old age strikes finally and death takes away one at the end even if they have remained together for a lifetime. So it does not matter at the end whether you have friends or family or none; whether you spend your old age with loved ones caring for you or reading a book alone by a window in an aristocratic club. BUT between life and death, between being born and dying we all like company, we all like people around us, do we not? If we say we do not then we are lying. So we do need to build relationships, whatever they may be for us. We do build too. The person who says he or she does not, is either lying (to himself/ herself/ others) or is not normal. YES the relationship can be husband-wife, parent-child or friends as defined in the beginning. But the more you have stayed alone the more difficult it is to build again as the fear of uncertainty and fear of interruptions in an accepted pattern come into play- it is called fear of change.
The difference with parent-child relationship is that we do not have to build it; it is already built. We cannot break it, it is unbreakable, even when it is broken, so our quarrels with our parents and yet maintaining our relationships with them is not the same as maintaining relationships with a spouse or a friend. Rest of the above is applicable otherwise.
Ok Bye Now. Hope this has not disturbed your work, [if you have come this far i.e.]
Sorry for the readers who were reading my post when I was changing the formats. Maybe if you read now you will get the heads and tails of what I said.
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