What is Happiness? [Imaginary Letter to Friend-X]

Dear X,

Enough of light talk and joking as friends. Some serious talk today?
Ahhh.. now I can see you flushing… angry… red… No No.. I am not going to say anything that will make you uneasy dear friend.

I know you now. That is why I do not even address you as ‘Dearest friend” See? Have I? I mean I could have as you are my only friend around – believe it or not- as I feel one-way. Right? Ok then. So just forget this topic and see what I want to say.

After a loooooooo----ooooooong time I have a lot to say suddenly.

Not particularly to YOU. So do not worry. Today I shall talk on happiness. It has nothing to do with you at all. But what I think happiness is. Hey you close my mail now and go back to work. Because this is going to be a long mail. If you really want to read, read it later… when ? I do not know.. maybe never? Hmmmm… I am serious.. maybe never would be fine with me as long as I do not know !! But if you read then promise to read slowly, my Dear X. That is how I would like you to read all my mails. I am being honest. I do not want you to read my mails in a hurry and I really mean that if you do not read I will not mind as I wont know. But if you read I would like you to keep my trust and read slowly. Why slowly? Because that would show some respect to me LOL !! I took so much pain to reproduce this on paper (from the depths of my hyperactive mind) that you should also take same time to read. No I am not telling you the truth here. I want you to read slowly so that you understand what I mean and so that my writing makes you think and makes you come out with your thoughts. So far you have not done this. Probably because some wrong idea ingrained in your womanish head makes you feel that sharing thoughts with a man in writing makes you vulnerable to …. Well all sorts of attacks from the male brigade!! What??

You should have understood by now that my mails should not make you uncomfortable, as they are not meant to be so. I do not write to you because I want to have some relationship with you, I write to you because I need to talk and since I need to talk I cannot talk to the wall. I have to talk to someone. And in you I seem to find that someone, that is all. I do not want you to fall in love with me or I want to fall in love with you or anyone for that matter. You are very intelligent and so should have understood by now. Of course you may tell me you do not need to understand me. Right. You can also ask me ‘Why me?” Right again.

Why you? Because I feel you will listen. I feel you will read. Even if you do not reply. Don’t have to. I may be wrong. I may be totally a wrong impression about you. YOU MAY BE A VERRRRY SELFISH LADY IN THE WORLD ONLY WORRIED about yourself and your family and your shares and your job/ career, and whatever you love in life!! It is highly probable. And moreover why should I even think you are selfish? It is QUITE NATURAL TO BE LIKE THAT. Everybody is like that!! Eeverybody is bothered about themselves only. I am like that too!! Am I not? Here I am writing to you to feel light. I am not bothering myself to know whether you want my mail or not! So, X, I do know this all…… I am selfish too.

Then why am I writing to you if I know all this? Simple. I really do not know. Does this frighten you? Hope not!!! Not knowing something is not frightening. Not knowing how to handle the answers is frightening. So the day when I know the why I should also know how to handle the answer. That is all and I shall cross the bridge when I need to.

Today I have come here to talk of an abstract subject & nothing about you at all so am sure you will not feel uncomfortable. All this is just an introduction—warming up and clearing your doubts lest you ask me why the heck am I mailing you again!!!???. Anyway let me continue now….

So as you ask. It is fine that you, shantanu, feel you have to speak to someone.. you go crazy if you are not able to do that.. . and it is quite obvious that you are not able to talk to your bloody wife!! What the hell.. you are a man and married so why the heck you keep bothering me with your bloody thoughts.why don’t you tell all these to your wife?…. and here you have to disturb my eyes making me read these long mails from a blubbering male who seems to be mad? I must clear this up. I do feel guilty. I do love my wife a lot. Everybody has her good points and bad. I do too. It is not about her at all. She is a good wife, she is a good mother. She quarrels with me like all wives do. I quarrel with her like all husbands do. But then we make up like all couples do. One day one of us will be gone and the other will follow soon.

But all said and done, X, do not you think that in life there are times when you want to talk to someone who seems to be like you? Who seems to have the capacity to understand what you mean or what you say or more importantly who seems to be deep hearted enough to be able to listen and empathise? You seem to be like that. Inside my heart I know that you are probably least serious about what I write and you read them out of curiosity only because you like reading books and so these seem to be a book to you..like an autobiography of a mad man..or a confused man or hmmm.. maybe ‘an autobiography of a man who lost his way around the world.” So you read. But that is the point. I feel you are reading. And that is all that it takes me to pour my deepest thoughts on you. Nothing more nothing less. I never EXPECT YOU TO PITY ME, FALL IN LOVE WITH ME, COMFORT ME, CARE FOR ME, NOT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have to have someone to talk to. The day YOU will put a stop to this WITH A BULLET.. I WILL JUST STOP. And Find someone else (if I am lucky… ) or just fade away.. or who knows?? I may start writing books and sell them to the world.

But I have to survive and so I write. Even if you are not reading this mail, I will still feel ahhhh I have written and somebody has heard.

It is a very peculiar problem in me X. I need some psychiatric treatment probably. So I keep introspecting a lot. And so I do know that something is seriously wrong with me. That I need to share thoughts like this!! I need to talk like this!! Sometimes I feel I am not man enough!!. Really X. This is like something I am trying to cure myself of. Writing to you or anyone who seems to read, probably will make me cure myself of this disease. And I write best to anyone with whom I feel is empathetic and with whom I seem to feel so too, a bonding of minds. Does that scare you??? Should not!!!!

This deep desire to wrench my mind out and turn it inside out to someone is a disease.

Yes this is a disease, because it is making me weak, making me feeble, making me unable lead normal lives at these times when this strikes! Like disease this too needs a cure. And I feel the cure is indulging in the very passion that drives me, I feel my mind bursting so I let it burst and so I write.

Writing to someone. Of course if you had replied, it would have been wonderful. But not for the sake of consoling me, but to share your views on whatever I say or said, so that I too can see what others think of the subject I talk on. Helps a lot, seeing the other people’s view and helps me in curing faster.

Today I want to talk on happiness.

Have you ever felt that despite having everything something is missing?

Have you ever felt when you had everything around you and yet something was missing?

Think back to your days when you were walking down the road in distant California and enjoying the world pass by you slowly, the people slowly moving past you busy in their thoughts and themselves. Think back to some other times when you are supposed to feel happy. Did you feel happy?

You most probably did. Then comes the question.

If I am happy, because I am able to walk down the road, or drive my car, or get my salary, or have my son admitted into college or get a gift or give a gift or go out with lunch with my best friend (oops!!), or have two bags of sweets and so on; if I am happy because of so many innumerable things that God has given me or showers me with,
THEN,
Why the heck do I feel something is missing?
What is it?
Why is it that I feel empty inside some days?
What gives person happiness?
Do not tell me it is GOD!!
Tell me if it is God then where is God?
I mean, if you plan to tell me that.
Otherwise if we contain ourselves to the non-spiritual then let me continue.

Is happiness something that comes from inside? Yes? How?
I wish I knew.
Why is it that I feel happy (now this is just for the sake of an example you may understand..) when I talk to you? Is it because we are happy when we get some things that are not ours? I mean your time is not mine. Right? So when I disturb you by talking to you I am using your times. So I am happy. Is that so? I mean you are not mine. Yet I am able to talk to you and that makes me happy. Is that so?

Is it why we are unable to find happiness? Because we continuously try to seek some thing which is not within our reach, does not belong to us, will never belong to us PROBABLY?

Is it that we will find happiness if we look at things that we have?
But then if that is so, then what do we have really?

Think deeply
You for eg. Have parents, family.
I for eg have parent, family too. I have something more, I have a wife and a kid.
But does that make me happier than you?
Do you think so?
If yes then why? Then are you unhappy? Why? Or Why not?
If no then why? Am I then unhappy? Why? Or Why not?

Is it really possible to be happy till we die and meet God?

What the hell am I DOING talking here about happiness if I KNEW all the answers? I seem to be giving all the answers. But then why am I here?

I think the emptiness inside is all the cause of the trouble in people’s lives. And I think those who have this like me are all stupid people thinking too much about everything.

Do'nt you too think too much of things? I think you do! You have never told me about anything else than mundane matters. But I too think that you think a lot of things that matter to you in personal life. Otherwise you simply cannot come to office in the morning looking unfresh. Yess. X. I think you do.

And yet I also think you have found peace of mind ..somehow at this too young an age (for being spiritual)

So probably you are the best person to tell me what is happiness about and why we feel something is missing inside.. deep inside… in spite of having everything (nearly).

DO TELL ME WHY??

You read the bible every night. So you may be able to tell me something from there
Somebody else reads the Koran and somebody else the Bhagvad Gita. Theymay be able to tell me something from there.
But if do I need those answers? Or do I need some other answers?

If I need those answers from those books, then the question still remains, why the hell am I asking these questions? Why am I NOT going to those books? Because I am not ready?